Tuesday, July 26, 2011

4 am Thoughts

You know.. I have always had this natural confidence in myself. I have always been so sure of myself and who I want to become.  I know I am a daughter of God and that He loves me and has a plan for me, personally! I know that I have a sweet, special spirit about me.  I know that I am smart. I know that I am gorgeous, inside and out.  I actually really want to go on a mission, and I know that I would be a great missionary!!! I know I have a strong testimony. I know that whoever I marry is going to be the luckiest guy (not just because I am going to school for massage therapy, have my own massage table, and will gladly give my future husband a massage/backrub/scratch every night if he wanted =P ) but because when I am in a relationship, I invest 110% of myself into it.  I have so much love to give.  I know I will be supportive and understanding with the paths my future hustband decides to take (as long as they follow the direction of the church). I know I am going to be the best housewife I can be... obviously I'm no crafty Susie Homemaker.. but I know I will try to keep a clean house, and have dinner on the table every night. I am not the best cook, but I know I will fall into that wife/motherly instinct when the time comes.  Mark my words, blog readers. I will become confident in my culinary skills soon enough! I know that I am going to be an amazing mother. A day won't go by that I don't tell my future children how much I love them and how proud of them I am.  They will be showered with hugs and kisses.  They will always be reminded of the importance of the gospel.  My house will be a house of prayer, a house of fasting, a house of faith, a house of learning, a house of glory, a house of order, a house of God (D&C 88:119 --> feel free to read the whole chapter.  It's great!) I know that I will be full of patience and love.  I know that I could have influence on, and bring light and hope into alot of people's lives if I put myself out there. I know I can do anything I want to if I put my mind to it.

I lost myself this past year.  I know I lost alot of confidence in my potential...  It's funny what a boy can do to your self worth.  There is something so tender about trusting an individual so completely with every secret, every side, every detail, every complexity... It's tough when you invest everything into one person; let them share your heart and soul... only to have them lack confidence in your abilities and to shut you down.  Time and time again. It made me question what I was doing wrong.  Why wasn't I good enough when I was trying SO HARD?! I still wonder why... all I can do is pray, read my scriptures, let myself come closer to the Lord, and have faith that things will fall into their proper places (refer to my previous post)
It terrifies me at the thought of putting myself in that vulnerable position again in the future.  I am trying to regain my confidence in myself.  It's hard. I DO have faith though. The Lord gives us trials that we might overcome, learn and grow from them.  I have definitely learned alot. I also think this trial of mine is preparing me for something (or someone) greater.  Someone who will appreciate me, love me, and think I am perfect just the way I am.

know that I am strong and that I have great things in store for me!!

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